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Okay, okay. Maybe getting older isn't all fun and games. But there are a lot of very funny jokes out there on the subject. Below are some of our favorites. If you know of others, send them along. Those that are suitable for family viewing will be published here. Those that are not suitable for family viewing will be enjoyed by our staff.
RETARDED GRANDPARENTS
After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following:
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Florida. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are any more.
They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it, they all jump up and down with hats on.
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out. They go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren!
JUST 2 DROPS OF WATER, PLEASE
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today.'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I'd like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I'd like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, another Scotch with two drops of water.'
As he gives her the drink, the bartender says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age. you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
Sag, You're It
Hide and Go Pee
20 Questions Shouted Into Your Good Ear
Red Rover, Red Rover, The Nurse Says Bend Over
Musical Recliners
Simon Says Something Incoherent
A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible
for their generation to understand his. 'You grew up in a different
world, the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space
travel, nuclear energy, computers...'
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,
'You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we
invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?'
-- Courtesy of Gary Ensmenger
Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over and said, 'Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!'
'You're on! said the other old lady,' holding up a $5.00 bill.
As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause. The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.
'What happened?' asked her waiting friend.
'I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement.'
There are four stages of life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
You can tell you're getting old if, when you bend over to tie your shoes, you wonder if there's something else you can do as long as you're down here.
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and
wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
First you forget names. Then you forget faces. Then you
forget to pull your zipper up. Then you forget to pull your zipper down.
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in
line for.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes,
just as long as you don't have to go along.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Last Will and Testament:
Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, 'Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 280. Please be careful!'
'It's not just one car,' said Herman. 'It's hundreds of them!'
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one
evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to
his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart,
Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years, and clearly
they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen,
the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that,
after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'
The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'I
forgot her name about 10 years ago.'
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and thus should be avoided:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
Please keep these basic guidelines
foremost in your mind when you shop.
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